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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903526">Hidden under Nightmares</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockSaltWinchester/pseuds/RockSaltWinchester'>RockSaltWinchester</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cas is Human, Cas loves Dean, Dean Has Nightmares, Dean Loves Cas, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hunting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Secrets, Soft Cas, Soft Dean, cas comforts dean, human!Cas, theyre idiots in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:55:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903526</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockSaltWinchester/pseuds/RockSaltWinchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fall Cas is human and living with Sam and Dean in the bunker. A lot has changed but the way he feels about Dean hasn't. His want to protect Dean hasn't, even if it's only nightmares he can fight for him now.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so this was inspired by a tweet from. @/fallenatic841. they had a really interesting idea and this started forming in my head. thank you for catching my imagination</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas has been human for a few months now and, all things considered, he was adjusting to his new way of life pretty well. It was a slow and difficult path but Sam and Dean did all they could so he didn’t have to face it alone.</p>
<p>The fall had been hard, crushing for all the angels but Castiel, he didn’t just lose his wings. He lost everything, he lost all that made him an angel, all that made him, him.</p>
<p>He said this to Dean and Sam, one drunken night about a week or so after he became a permanent resident in the bunker. A sad sigh had left his lips, his voice was heavy with pain. “I’ve lost it all, everything I am is gone. I have nothing left.” </p>
<p>Sam had reached over to put a comforting hand on the fallen angel’s shoulder, Dean had walked out. </p>
<p>After that the 2 men had fallen into silence. They had continued to drink, until Sam was ready for bed. The hunter had risen from the table and headed to the door before he threw a quiet goodbye over his shoulder. Sam had then stopped at the door and turned back to face the room, “you’re wrong”, he started. “You’ve lost a lot but you haven’t lost what makes you, you. You haven’t lost everything.” He then watched Cas lower his head towards the table, nodded to himself and left. </p>
<p>Cas sat in those words.</p>
<p>He knew Sam was right; Cas hadn't lost everything, he hadn’t lost himself and he hadn’t lost Sam and Dean. He felt a sense of gratefulness as he considered what he hadn’t lost, as he considered what he had gained. Dean walking out, Sam speaking up, both were saying the same thing. In the grand scheme of things, Castiel realised he had really lost only very little. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>The weeks after that night trickled them by, leaving it behind, seemingly forgotten by the three men. They settled into life together comfortably, it felt natural to all three of them. Cas had always had a room in the bunker, he had always had a right to call it home, the only difference now was that it was more permanent. </p>
<p>The first few weeks after the fall Castiel was mainly left at home. He was still struggling with adjusting to his new life. More than once when the boys were heading out, leaving him behind, he huffed. More than once he was reminded that he needed to get used to being a human before he got to be a hunter too. </p>
<p>And they were right, he knew they were right. Being human is hard and it is unpredictable. Humans need the bathroom and sleep and to brush their teeth, none of which came naturally to Castiel. </p>
<p>At first, Cas would forget to eat until he was struck with stomach cramps that would have him bent in two. In days where he had forgotten he needed to sleep he'd find himself being softly woken by Dean in the kitchen or library or garage. It was hard and it was frustrating but the Winchesters were nothing but kind to him. They didn't mock him when they saw him struggle or complain when he forgot things. Dean had gotten very good at not laughing at Castiel's ‘daft’ questions. Sam had become quite the teacher with a brilliant knack of showing cas different and new things he wouldn’t of even thought about.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>The first hunt he went on, it was all three of them. The training wheels were well and truly set in place. </p>
<p>It went well, the entire time Cas strived to impress his friends, to prove he was just as useful as before. The only difference was that he was more nervous than before, more hesitant, although he did his best to not let it show. The knowledge that he no longer had his grace to fall back on loomed over him, made him wary.</p>
<p>He confided this to Dean on the way back to the bunker after the hunt, while Sam slept in the back. Dean had looked away from the road, smiled at him, told him that caution was a smart and human approach to the job and that he should be proud of the way he had kicked the vampire's ass. </p>
<p>Dean’s confidence in Castiel drove his own confidence in himself and so the next hunt they went on Cas leant into his wariness, allowing it to guide him to make the right calls.</p>
<p>By the fifth hunt he was heading out with Dean alone, Sam opting to stay back and ‘have a weekend to himself’. He waved them off from the library, “if you need me” he started to shout after them only to be interrupted by Dean’s mocking “yeah yeah. Bye sammy.”</p>
<p>Cas felt good about this hunt, it had been a long few months but he felt like a feeling of normality was creeping up on them. He was adjusting to the rhythm of his new life, finally finding comfort in it. </p>
<p>The case sounded like a nice and simple ghost. A motel, a few hours out from the bunker, had a string of guests reporting multiple thefts, along with 2 deaths and 1 missing in the past 3 weeks. No prints, no camera footage, nothing. Big enough to be investigated, small enough to take the training wheels off Cas.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They fill the drive with idle chatter, breaking occasionally so Dean can sing along to a song or so that Cas can read up more, follow hunches or check ideas that he came up with. </p><p>It's dark when they arrive, the sun setting an hour and a half before they finally reach their room.</p><p>It had been Dean’s idea to stay in the haunted motel, he had joked it would be fun. Like being in one of his favourite horror movies. He had rolled his eyes at the glare that Sam shot him when he first said this. But he followed up by quickly explaining that everyone who had gone missing had been in the room alone, they would be fine as there's two of them (and they know how to kick a ghosts ass if needed).</p><p>The room smells damp, cold. It’s draped in a variety of beiges and greens. </p><p>Charming. </p><p>Dean drops his bag in the doorway and flicks on the light. It comes on immediately, “I've been in worse” he chuckled to Cas. The ex-angel was less easily impressed. He put his bag on the table and nodded to the bed. </p><p>Singular bed.</p><p>“Shall I take the floor?” he questioned. Dean falters for a minute, glancing around the room. </p><p>Of course they gave them a one bed bedroom. </p><p>“Nah man, you’ll kill your back. There's nowhere else to sleep we’ll, we’ll just share - dont worry.” Cas nods, feeling suddenly shy, almost letting himself look it. </p><p>They head out minutes after. It's too late to do any work and they’re both hungry. </p><p>Dean takes them to a roadhouse a mile or so away. They sit near the back with burgers and beers. The hours slide by in the dim lights and the loud music and the good company. It's 1am before they call it a night. </p><p>The drive back is peaceful. Just them, the road, and the quiet hum of classic rock filling the air.  </p><p>They make it back to the room in no time, lock the doors and get ready for bed. </p><p>“Top and tail?” Dean questions as he comes back from the bathroom. “Dean, i don’t know what that is.” comes the reply from the other end of the room. He takes a second and scratches the back of his neck before he decides he’s too tired to explain, or care. </p><p>He walks over to the left side of the bed, telling Cas it doesn't matter, to just get in. The two get comfy, separately. Both facing away, towards the wall, the space heavy, empty between them. </p><p>Neither of them knows who falls asleep first, who moves towards the other's warmth first, who turns to sleep facing the other first. </p><p>Dean, however, is the one to wake first.</p><p>He stretches as he wakes, his hand falling from Castiel's side of the bed as he does so. He huffs. He's always known he was a pain to sleep next to, he always intrudes in the other person's space. </p><p>He lies there for another moment, thinking about the day ahead. He finally moves to get up when Cas first shifts, slowly drifting out of his sleep. </p><p>Since cas has become human he's struggled most with waking up. </p><p>He turns and scrunches his face and hides in his pillows as he wakes, groaning at anyone and anything that dares to try and wake him before he is completely ready. Unless it's coffee, he will stir for coffee. </p><p>Dean moves to start the coffee before he heads to the bathroom to wash and start his day. Feeling fresher he heads back to the now done coffee, humming as he goes. He makes a mug for himself and places one on Cas’s bedside table before sitting himself at the table, in front of his laptop. </p><p>Cas wakes up a few moments later. Not enough to speak but enough to sit and grab his coffee. He smiles at Dean over his mug, the hunter is still humming to himself. He's in a good mood, must have slept well Cas thinks. </p><p>Finally awake enough to move, Cas heads to the bathroom to try and feel more human. As he leaves the bathroom 15 minutes later, Dean calls over “Hey, you seen my phone? I know I left it on the table.” </p><p>Cas looks around before shaking his head, “No, sorry. Use mine it’s- where's mine?” </p><p>Dean gets to his feet and starts moving things, then throwing things about and as he searches. </p><p>Cas stands watching him as he dries his hair on the towel. “Dude, a hand? Think the loss of our phones might be more important than your wet hair.” Cas rolls his eyes before throwing down the towel and grabbing a bag to rummage through. Nothing. </p><p>Their phones aren't in the room. </p><p>Dean sits in a huff, head in his hands, Cas turns away from him, thinking. </p><p>“Someone must have been in the room. Things aren’t where we left them. I know I put my bag on the table last night but you picked it up off the chair a few minutes ago. It's the only explanation.” </p><p>Dean looks up, “We’d have heard them. I’m a light sleeper, I’d have heard.” ‘Not if you were having a nightmare’ Cas thinks silently. He looks at Dean and shrugs, “There's no other explanation for it Dean. Is there CCTV? We should go and look at it. At least rule it out.” </p><p>To this Dean agrees.</p><p>*</p><p>They find the security room easily, Dean has been in enough motels to know the basic layouts and he is yet to find one with an ounce of originality. </p><p>Cas stands, hands in pockets, looking around as dean is crouched in front of him, unlocking the door. </p><p>Click. </p><p>He’s got it. </p><p>The hunter stands up with a grin, twisting the handle as he does so. Cas takes a step forward to follow Dean into the now open room but Dean stops him before his foot even touches the ground. </p><p>“Look out duty.” he states to his confused friend. The confusion is quickly replaced with a glare. “No. This was my idea, I am not your guard dog and, between the two of us, I do not have the superior people skills.” </p><p>Dean knows they're about to waste time arguing over something so trivial. </p><p>He takes another look at the pissed off expression now clouding Castiel's face. “If you could hack into cameras man, then it's all yours. But last I checked you can't and this isn’t the classroom. This is breaking into somewhere. So you stay out here and you look out.” </p><p>An eye roll and Cas turning away to lean against the wall are the only response he receives. Dean hesitates for a second longer. He bows his head, takes a breath, “I will teach you when we get home. Then next time I'll be lookout.” </p><p>He doesn't wait for a response and heads into the room, closing the door silently behind him.  If he had waited a second longer he wouldn’t have missed the small smile form on Cas’s lips.</p><p>The safety equipment is lacking for a motel this size but Dean can't say he’s completely surprised. One monitor, one laptop, a whole mess of wires. He’ll be lucky if it all works. </p><p>He sits himself down in front of the laptop and makes light work of finding the, shockingly, fully functioning camera system. Within minutes he's found the camera outside their room door and watches the sped up footage from the night before. </p><p>Nothing. </p><p>He huffs and rubs his forehead.</p><p>Think.</p><p>With the same ease as before Dean starts sifting through the other cameras, trying to find another angle that might have a better view. He gets into a speedy rhythm: click, type, watch, click. Until </p><p>"son of a bitch"</p><p>He leans in as if to verify what he's seeing: the inside of a room. </p><p>There's cameras inside the rooms. </p><p>They must have been so tired when they got in last night they didn't even think to check. Okay, this gives us another point of view he thinks. He starts sifting again, looking for their room. </p><p>Found it. </p><p>He once again puts it on fast forward, watching the sun fade in the room, the door swing open as they arrive, he watches as they talk, get ready for bed, get into bed. </p><p>He slows the footage slightly to make it easier to pick up on any movements that'd be too jittery on the faster pace. 2am comes and nothing. 3am comes and nothing. At almost quarter past 4 a figure comes out of the bathroom.  </p><p>It's dark and shifts slowly, not really walking. He watches it as it makes its way around the room, occasionally reaching out and touching things, moving them, taking some, before heading back to the bathroom. And then it's gone.</p><p>He scrolls through the rest of the footage while he downloads it onto a stick to show Cas and just as he goes to close it off he notices asleep him beginning to move his head and hands in a restless, panicking way. </p><p>A nightmare. </p><p>He knows he has them. He assumes Cas has them, he's seen Sam have one a hundred times, they come with the job. But seeing himself, Dean can't look away. </p><p>He watches as his movements become sharper and more erratic, he sees the fear in his face. The fear that he is suddenly mirroring as he watches one particularly violent jolt throw his hand out, landing on Castiel.</p><p>Waking up Castiel. </p><p>He feels a pang of guilt in his chest, as if he dragged Cas into something he shouldn’t have. </p><p>He feels a ball of anxiety rise as he realises he had woken up Castiel.</p><p>He watches as the ex-angel sat up in surprise, quickly looking around to see what forced him awake. There's another less violent shift from Dean and Cas turns to his friend. The unhappy, groggy look replaced by concern. Dean watched as it rapidly spread to all of his friend’s features. </p><p>He watches in shock as Castiel sat watching for a moment before grabbing the hand still resting on him. He then lay back down, closer to Dean than before. </p><p>Dean sees how Cas traces circles on his hand in a calming motion. </p><p>From the angle of the camera Dean can just about make out Cas's lips moving close to his ear. Dean is in shock and awe. He never once even considered that these events would ever unfold. He watches as Cas slowly steadies Dean’s panic with his soft, low voice.</p><p>He watches in amazement at how well it works. </p><p>He marvels at how natural and easy it looks for Castiel. The nightmare fades out, Dean's body relaxed and settled back into a comfortable position. His breathing slowed to normal. He watches as they both drift off. </p><p>He watches as Cas falls asleep, never letting go of his hand.</p><p>Suddenly Dean hears footsteps nearing the security room. He slams the computer shut, grabs the stick and moves to the door, his mind reeling. He has stayed too long in this room, heightened the chances of getting caught, they have to move now. </p><p>He has no time to process what he just saw. How he felt. </p><p>They had to move. </p><p>He stands still for a moment, listening to the world behind the door. He looks around to see if he can make a plan B escape but there's no chance. He does however notice a cupboard ajar in the corner of the room. </p><p>Curiosity peaks and he heads over and to his surprise the cupboard is filled with phones, laptops, IDs and wallets. He spies their phones and grabs them quickly. He takes a second to photograph the cupboard before he heads back to the door. </p><p>He creeps out of the room just as he sees Cas turning in towards the maid, blocking her view of the room and Dean. He walks away, towards their room knowing that Cas will meet him there. <br/>And minutes after he reaches the room the door opens again. Cas walks in, looking a little perplexed with several towels in his hands. The only explanation offered was “I had to think of something.” </p><p>Dean doesn't mention the cameras as he doesn't know if they are monitored, if they have speakers. </p><p>He's glad that Cas doesn't turn down or pull his face at the offer of a diner lunch. He's glad Cas doesn't pull more than a quizzical face at Dean when he grabs their packed bags and takes them with them. He’ll fill him in there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The diner isn't the most pleasant environment but at least they're not being overheard. </p><p>Dean tells Cas about the camera set up, about what he saw. He tells him about the cupboard he found and shows Cas the footage from their room, stopping it immediately after the figure disappeared back into the bathroom. “Not a ghost” Cas mutters in thought.</p><p>“Was there nothing after that?” Cas questions, still trying to piece everything together.  “No.” Dean says bluntly, closing his laptop a little too defensively. </p><p>The rest of their lunch is spent in their own heads, speaking only to give their theories or disprove the others. </p><p>They set up camp in a different motel and get to work. </p><p>They spend the day in suits questioning staff, guests and the locals. looking for sightings, near misses or local legends that could help them put the pieces of the puzzle together. They follow nearly all leads they could from the photo Dean snapped of the cupboard of belongings, with no joy.</p><p>*</p><p>Drained from a day of socialising they head back to the motel room and change. </p><p>Dean volunteers to go and grab some pizza, refusing Castiel's offer to come with him. He wants a few minutes alone. He's still not had a chance to wrap his head around the video footage he saw this morning and it’s been on replay for him all day.</p><p>He drives further out than he needs to under the excuse of looking for actually decent pizza. </p><p>He drives with the music on as loud as it could go and the windows open. But the noise doesn't drown anything out for him. </p><p>He had a nightmare and he woke Cas up. </p><p>And Cas helped him. </p><p>Deans always had a hunch that when Cas had his powers he’d sometimes disrupt any nightmares that he saw Dean fight. He has memories of horrible dreams going from being in sharp focus to being hazy to being gone, replaced with something lighter. </p><p>He had thought that maybe the bad dreams were so loud that Cas muted them for his benefit and helping Dean was just a byproduct. Maybe that wasn’t the case. He doesn't know. But he had thought, after the fall, that he would never be helped through a nightmare by Cas again. He certainly didn't think Cas would talk him through one. </p><p>It would have been easier for Cas to wake Dean. Yes, it would have been jarring for him for a moment but the whole ordeal would over quicker. Talking him down takes time. But Castiel chose to take time, to look after Dean. </p><p>He saw Dean at his most vulnerable and helped as if it was instinct. </p><p>But what did he say? What did he whisper? What soothing words did Cas find to calm him? His head was spinning and he decided to pull over. </p><p>He was barely looking at the road and he didn't really know where he was. He needed to think this through properly, he wasn't dying in a car crash because he was fixating on Castiel. </p><p>Dean focused on his breathing for a moment. He put his head in his hands and felt everything weighing heavily on him. </p><p>Why does it feel too much? </p><p>They have always been there for each other, through everything. They were close, they were family, they had spent years depending on each other but this time was different. This time was vulnerable, this time was so gentle and so unspoken. </p><p>Cas had held his hand, whispered kindness. Cas had done it out of love and then kept it from Dean to not cause him to feel uncomfortable. </p><p>Dean wasn't crying because he doesn't cry. But if he did this is probably something he would cry about. </p><p>He gives himself another few minutes to calm from feeling so overwhelmed, then heads off again to finally get the pizza. On the way back it dawns on Dean that he hasn't decided what he's going to say. If he's even going to say anything at all. Cas has pretended it has not happened, surely that means he can too. He is an expert at repression he justifies. Repression sounds like the best option.</p><p>“Pizza man.” Dean shouts as he comes through the door. Cas rises from the chair, moves his laptop and goes to grab beers out of the mini fridge before joining Dean back at the table. They eat and do research and complain about the crap TV until Dean notices the space separating each of castiel’s yawns getting shorter. </p><p>They shut off the laptops and made their way to the bed. Dean feels a ball of nerves rise up inside of him. </p><p>He and Cas have shared a bed many times in the years they've known each other but after seeing how Cas looked after him last night this time felt different. </p><p>They muttered their sleepy goodnights and each rolled to face outwards, just as they had the night before. </p><p>Dean listened as Cas's breathing slowed, he felt as Cas relaxed into the bed, he could probably pick out the exact moment Castiel fell asleep. He is just as tired as Cas had been and yet he is lying there wide awake. Staring into the darkness with his head and heart still going 100 miles an hour. </p><p>Cas looked after him, Cas held his hand, Cas protected him. </p><p>These thoughts swirled in his mind, bringing a warmth that he had felt before for Castiel, something that he has frequently buried, told himself he would figure out later. He allowed himself to be swept up by these thoughts until one came louder, crashing through </p><p>‘what if he has another nightmare?’ </p><p>He already feels guilty: it’s not fair on Cas. He feels uncertain: would Cas look after him again? </p><p>Would he talk him through the pain as he had the night before. Maybe this time he would tell Dean the next morning. Dean can picture it, he can see the familiar look of concern lining his friend’s face as he explains the night before. </p><p>Dean squeezed his eyes shut. If he thinks about nightmares he’ll give himself one. He tried to clear his head, shake it from himself. </p><p>And then he did something stupid. </p><p>Something he gave no aforethought to. Something he didn’t consciously choose to do. </p><p>Dean felt as his body turned and jolted. </p><p>He opened in his eyes, realising what he had done. He shifted as if in a nightmare. He moved his body as if it was an involuntary action, a reaction to a bad dream. </p><p>He lay still in shock at what he had just done. Panic set in. What if that has woken Cas, what if Cas thinks he’s in a nightmare. </p><p>He closes his eyes and moves away from Cas, his breathing shallow, reflecting the anxiety spreading through his veins. </p><p>He feels cas moving next to him. </p><p>He tries to steady his breathing, tries to be quieter so as to not stir the fallen angel but it's too late. </p><p>Cas props himself up on his elbow, facing deans back, watching the shallow breaths move over his tense body. Cas gently, gently places his hand on Dean’s shoulder and carefully roles the hunter onto his back. </p><p>Dean's whole body is tense, his eyes visibly squeezed shut, his breathing heavy. </p><p>Dean feels his mouth go dry, his heart racing. </p><p>Cas watches for a moment before moving his hand from dean’s shoulder to over dean's heart, he leaves it there measuring the pace at which it’s beating. Dean feels Cas’s hand sit warmly on the fabric of his t-shirt. </p><p>“Hey” comes a very faint whisper from next to Dean’s ear. </p><p>He doesn't move, doesn’t react. </p><p>“You’re okay. I need you to know that what’s going on in your head, it isn’t real. Right now you are lying in bed next to me, you’re dreaming and it’s horrible but you are not alone. Okay? I’m going to breathe in and out for a moment, if you can hear me, even just a little, maybe you could try and follow. We did it last night and you were so good so let's try again.” </p><p>Cas breathes in for 4, holds for 1, then breathes out for 4. </p><p>He repeats this several times until Dean’s breathing starts to match his. </p><p>The hunter can’t help it, listening to Cas is helping, even if Cas thinks he’s resolving a completely different issue. Satisfied that Dean’s breathing is steady, Cas lies back down properly. He shifts his hand from Dean's chest to Dean's hand. He starts tracing circles on it softly. </p><p>“I’m going to keep talking, that always helps you. I think it distracts you from whatever demon is after you.,” Castiel begins quietly, “When I fell. When I lost my grace, I felt as though I had nothing. I felt as though I had lost everything. I went from someone who was useful, who could protect you from nightmares to nothing more than a burden. But you never once made me feel like that. At my lowest, darkest point. You were there. You talked me through it, you helped me find a new way of existing. I will never repay that debt.”</p><p>Cas pauses for a moment to look over at Dean. His friend was breathing calmly and the tension in his shoulders seemed to be dispercing.    </p><p>He carried on, barely above a whisper, “I remember saying one night that i had lost everything, everything that made me me. I remember you walked away, and I didn’t understand. But I do now. I lost wings and powers and heaven but I didn't lose you. Or Sam. Or my home. What I lost, it - it isn't anything that defines me, none of it makes me who I am. It used to but that was a long time ago.” Cas hums softly to himself, talking more himself now than for Dean, whose outward appearance was almost completely relaxed.</p><p>“Knowing you Dean, has been the best part of my life. Knowing you has changed me. The loss I had from the fall, as crushing as it felt then, I am grateful for it now. I have gained so much and I am so grateful. I can’t help you in the way i once could but i will always help you in every way I am able to.'' </p><p>Castiel studies Dean for a moment more and, satisfied that Dean will be okay now, moves his body to relax more and drifts back into his sleep. </p><p>Still holding Dean's hand. </p><p>Dean, however, doesn't sleep much. He thought his mind was reeling before but that had nothing on how he was feeling right now. He retraced every word, every movement, every second. Replayed as Cas's tone changed, as his hands moved, how he softened all of Dean's anxieties. </p><p>He has no idea when the thoughts of Cas transitioned into dreams of Cas but he found himself waking up hours later, still filled with wonder from the night before. ‘Now what?’ he thinks.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean is once again the first to rise, repeating the same motions he went through the morning before, this time in silence, too in his head to whistle or hum. </p><p>Cas also seems quiet when he wakes. </p><p>Dean can't tell if it's the usual first thing in the morning silence or if it's something different. He is dying to know if last night is repeating in Castiel's head too. </p><p>It is and it isn't.</p><p>It is not the first time Cas has held Dean’s hand through a nightmare and it most certainly won't be the last. The secret of last night doesn't weigh heavy on Cas as it does Dean. He feels at peace with it, grateful for it even. The whispers he shared in the dark were as much for him as they were for Dean. </p><p>He spoke his thanks into existence and Dean’s nightmares into nothingness. </p><p>* </p><p>Over the course of the day they come to the conclusion that they are hunting a ghoul. </p><p>A ghoul that just so happens to own a motel. </p><p>Cas notes the intelligence of the strategy, Dean huffs at the hunt becoming more layered. </p><p>The motel is manned by unaware humans with the ghoul being the mostly silent manager obviously only turning up to eat the occasional guest.</p><p>They head back to the ghoul infested motel and while Cas rents a room from the front desk Dean waits in the impala round the corner. The ghoul has only gone for lone visitors so they are using Cas as bait. </p><p>He heads to a room on the ground floor and sets his bag on the bed. Dean gave him a makeshift signal blocker that will kill the camera in his room for a few minutes. He turns it on, opens a window and texts Dean his room number. Within a minute Dean is through the window and joining Cas in the bathroom. </p><p>The camera footage they have shows the ghoul entering and exiting the rooms from that point. </p><p>Cas notices the cabinet at the end of the bath is locked from the inside. He nudges Dean and shows him the find. “Okay, good to know. Good job buddy.'' They only have another 40 seconds before the camera resets so Dean makes for the window again. </p><p>He jumps out and turns to Cas, “Promise you I won't let anything happen to you. I will be close by.” and he ducks down. “I know” comes Castiel’s response.</p><p>Cas turns away, smiling. He's happy he's useful, he’s happy they are near the end of the case. </p><p>He has enjoyed the time alone with Dean but he hates watching Dean battle in his sleep. The nightmares have been draining and two in a row has kept Cas from sleeping properly. He’s exhausted not only from the hunt but also the worry. He has also been on the shallow side of sleeping ever since Dean woke him the first night. Just in case he was needed.</p><p>He sits reading in the room for a while, texting Dean some of his favourite lines from the poetry book. This was a habit he had picked up when he first started reading books years ago. He had once stopped as he was worried it annoyed Dean but after 3 weeks of no book related texts Dean had asked what was going on and so Cas had picked the habit back up again.</p><p>The clock hits 11.15pm and he's in bed, lying on the right side. The left still empty as if waiting for Dean. He reminds himself that he can spread out and crawl into the middle if he wanted but he decides it would feel weird, so he stays where he is.</p><p>Cas feels vulnerable. The camera on him meant he went to bed with no weapons. </p><p>He is completely defenceless to the ghoul that might crawl from the bathroom at any moment. </p><p>He lies still, eyes closed, wide awake. He breathes in for 4, holds for 1, breathes out for 4. </p><p>He is not defenceless, Dean is right outside the window and there is no one he trusts more to have his back. </p><p>It's just after 1am when he hears a faint sound from the bathroom. </p><p>Cas feels himself go on edge, he focuses to make sure his breath doesn't hitch so that there is no way the ghoul can know he's awake. He feels the hairs on his arms spike up as the monster enters the room. </p><p>He daren’t open his eyes. But the unknown is terrifying. </p><p>Hes human, he has no defense against this monster. If it grabs him he will bleed, he will break as any human would. </p><p>He prays to Dean. Please come. Please come. Please come. </p><p>He feels a tug on the edge of the duvet, he clenches his fists. DEAN. He is yelling on the inside. He feels a hand on his leg. It grabs him. </p><p>It throws him from the bed. His eyes shoot open as he crashes to the floor. </p><p>He turns to watch as the ghoul walks towards him, smiling. Cas doesn't flinch, forcing bravery. He looks around for something to grab, to fight with. </p><p>“Hunter.” The ghoul stands above Cas, smirking at him. “Always enjoy a hunter, more satisfying than the usual begging idiots. Hunters try to fight, you can almost taste the fight in their blood and their meat.” </p><p>Cas tries not to panic, he knows if he backs up any more he’ll have his back to the wall, he’ll be trapped. </p><p>3 things happen at the same time. </p><p>Castiel launches up from the floor, aiming for the door. There's nothing around he can grab to protect him so he knows it's his only hope </p><p>The ghoul steps forward, it lashes out. It is aiming for Cas’s arm, to grab him and throw him back down. It catches it. </p><p>Dean comes flying through the window, swinging his knife and decapitating the ghoul in one deadly strike. </p><p>As the body falls, as Dean breathes out, as Cas slumps down against the wall, the room goes silent. “Alright, good job man, here- Cas!”  Cas is sat on the ground, a dislocated shoulder and a bleeding arm. </p><p>Dean kneels down gently next to him, assessing the damage. He puts on a smile and looks Cas in the eye, “It’s not too bad, alright. Couple of stitches. You’re going to be okay. I am however going to have to do this -” POP. </p><p>Without giving Cas a second to process what he meant, Dean pops the shoulder back into place. Cas hisses through his teeth, “assbutt” he aims at Dean who is now wrapping his shirt around Castiel’s wounds. “There that will hold until we can get back to the motel.'' </p><p>Dean starts cleaning down the room, telling Cas that if he even tries to help he will knock him on his ass. </p><p>Not 10 minutes later they're in the car, the body in the trunk and they are on the way back to their room. They'll sort the body out tomorrow.</p><p>Dean cleans Cas’s arm with a splash of whiskey and takes a sip before handing the bottle back to Cas, “You’re going to need this.'' </p><p>Cas looks nervous as he takes a big gulp from the bottle. It's not the first time he's had to be stitched up by the Winchesters but it doesn't make it any easier and the long cuts along his arm will take a good few stitches to be closed up properly. </p><p>Cas watches the concentration on Dean’s face as he expertly works on his arm. </p><p>He focuses on the creases in Dean’s forehead, the freckles on his face. He listens as the hunter mutters apologies and comforting comments to him. Sat here, at 2am, covered in blood and stitching up Castiel's arm; he's still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester. </p><p>Cas must have winced sharper than he intended as Dean pauses for a second, looking up to his best friend in concern. They both take another drink. </p><p>“Just a few more left okay? You kicked ass today Cas, you should be proud. I’m proud of you. And these will heal nicely, I'll make sure. You're okay. A couple left. I got you. Just for a few more minutes and then we were done.” Dean continues to mutter comments to Cas absentmindedly as he works. He finishes the final stitch and pulls back, taking a moment to study his work. Happy with what he sees he looks back up to Cas whose eyes were still trained to his face. </p><p>Dean smiles, hesitates for a second, as if he's going to say something. He doesn't. Instead he grabs the bottle, splashes more whiskey onto Castiel’s arm and laughs as his friend swears and swipes at him with his good hand.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean gets up to shower, to wash off the day. </p><p>He comes out of the bathroom and grabs his shoes, keys and jacket. He tells Cas he's going for a food run, he’ll be half an hour. Cas nods and heads to the shower. </p><p>After he sits on the bed, going over the events of the day. </p><p>It's the first time he has ever felt that afraid, that defenseless. </p><p>It's the first time Cas has ever prayed, and he prayed to Dean. </p><p>He smiles, if he could trust anyone to ever answer his prayers, it would always be Dean. How fortunate he is to have that certainty. How fortunate he is to have Dean.</p><p>Dean doesn't just come back with takeout. He comes back with beer and whiskey and plenty of it. A celebration he laughs at Cas when the ex-angel squints his eyes at the bags he’s carrying.  </p><p>And so they eat and they drink and they enjoy each other's company until both can feel the alcohol floating around their brains. </p><p>“I'm really proud of you on this trip, Cas.” he pauses to take a drink, “I'm proud of you everyday. You suffered a huge loss and everyday you get up and you fight and you do what you have to do.” Cas doesn't respond, just smiles and takes another drink. </p><p>The men sit in silence for another moment before Dean takes another breath, deciding to change the subject slightly. “You were a lot braver than me on my first proper hunt. I ever told you about it?” </p><p>Cas looks up at Dean and shakes his head. </p><p>He knows of it. He has seen shards of it in Deans nightmares, but Dean has never talked about it in front of him. </p><p>“I was just 17 and it was 2 ghosts, nuns who had been in love, suicide. Unfinished business. It was a straightforward hunt. I’d hunted ghosts before but this time the training wheels were well and truly off. I spent a couple of days on the case, looking for what was holding them to earth. Eventually found a bible under the floorboards, a gift that one had given to the other. Soon as I found it the room went full paranormal activity. I felt like all the rock salt in the world wasn’t going to save me and I lost sight of the bible” </p><p>Dean takes in a long drink, “Cas I thought I was done for. One of them was coming for me and the look in her eye, man, I thought it was going to be the last thing I ever saw.” The hunter pauses again, looking down at his bottle. “Then the other one grabbed her hand, turned her away from me. I have no idea why. Before I gave them a second to think I threw myself towards the bible and I managed to get it alight.” </p><p>He stops as if waiting for Cas to say something but his friend remains silent. </p><p>“It was so strange. I had watched so many times as ghosts went up in flames screaming, but these two. They just stood there looking at me, holding hands.” Cas puts a hand on Dean's upper arm as if to comfort him. Dean shakes it off and continues, “I walked out of there, got back to my motel room and all but collapsed. I couldn't shift myself out of bed and every time I closed my eyes I could see them. I don’t know why, there’s no reason for the hunt to hit me like that. When dad picked me up the next day I shrugged it off, told him it was nothing but that man could read me. He didn't send me on any solo hunts for a bit after that, he never said anything but i think he was disappointed in me.”</p><p>Cas could feel the anger rising in him at Deans last comment, but breathed through it, knowing it wouldn't help. </p><p>“You handled something very intense at a young age Dean. You should be proud of yourself. I was terrified today and I knew I had you looking out for me. You were all but a child and you did it alone. Not many could come out of that still standing, but you did.” </p><p>They drift back into quiet drinking. </p><p>Cas has recently been priding himself on picking up social cues and he notices Dean's uncomfortable body language so, before Dean has a chance to say anything else, he changes the subject, “So, you promised to teach me how to hack into computers when we get back to the bunker.” </p><p>Dean groans and moves to put his feet up onto the table, thankful for the change in topic. “Sammy is better than I am. I'm sure you’d learn more from him than me.” Cas smiles and shakes his head, “No. You promised, you have to teach me, no handing me off to Sam.” Cas looks at Dean with a small smirk on his face. He watches as the hunter rolls his eyes, “Alright, fine, fine.” he smiles at his friend, “it'll cost you beer, burgers and 3 movies of my choice.” </p><p>It's Castiel's turn to roll his eyes. </p><p>He takes a second to drink the last of his bottle before leaning forward, arms resting on the table, “If that's the price I better make the most of you putting your teacher's head on. You can finally show me how to ‘properly drive and look after baby’” he ends his sentence imitating Dean. </p><p>The hunter tries to glare at the ex-angel as he tells him he's pushing it, but the laughter rumbling from him is contagious and suddenly they're both laughing. They carry on a light conversation poking fun at each other until their sides hurt and their faces ache from smiling. </p><p>Cas grows tired first, the long day all of a sudden hitting him at once and exhausting him. </p><p>As if reading Cas’s mind, Dean drinks the last of his beer and they both start getting ready for bed. </p><p>They shuffling about the motel room does not mix well with the amount of alcohol travelling through their systems and both have to keep pausing to steady themselves between their wobbly, slow movements. They get into bed, both giggling at the state of the other one, teasing each other on the bad heads they’ll have tomorrow. </p><p>The lights go off. They mumble their goodnights into the darkness. </p><p>And just before either drifts off to sleep Dean's voice breaks through the silence. “Cas, so you know, knowing you has been the best part of my life too.” And then sleep washed over them both.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They wake up with bad heads and aching eyes. </p><p>They stay in bed, both drifting in and out of consciousness. Both disturbing the other with groans and huffs. </p><p>They rise just after noon. </p><p>When bladders and stomachs out cry their hangovers. Cas barely opens his eyes as he heads to the bathroom. Dean barely walks as he heads to the left over take away. Both feeling barely human. </p><p>Cas stands in the hot water waking up slowly, trying to pull himself together. He is half way through washing when Dean’s words from last night flood into his head. ‘Knowing you has been the best part of my life too.’ </p><p>What?</p><p>The realisation dawns on Castiel. Dean was asleep when he confessed that. He was having a nightmare. He was supposed to be asleep. </p><p>He stands frozen in the shower. Confused. Unsure of what exactly it means. If Dean heard that he was awake. Dean chose to say it back to him. Why? What does it mean?</p><p>He is dragged back to reality to Dean shouting that he better not use all the hot water. </p><p>Cas dresses and shuffles out of the bathroom and towards the coffee and painkillers Dean has put on the table for him. “Don’t you look delicate this morning sunshine” the hunter jokes, clearly feeling more alive now he has eaten. Castiel all but ignores him as he swallows the painkillers with a few gulps of coffee. He stays in silence as he sits at the table and Dean knows better than to attempt another conversation just yet.</p><p>They're both too fragile to even think about the drive back for most of the day so they agree to hang around the motel for a few more hours. Cas spends them in and out of napping while Dean calls Sam to keep him posted on the plans before he goes for a supply run for the journey back. </p><p>When Cas wakes up, he's alone. He rubs his hands over his face and lets out a sigh. His dreams had been swimming in thoughts of Dean. His confession to him, in Dean’s laugh and smile, in all of him. Cas shakes his head, as if to disperse them, but Dean is still the loudest thought he has.</p><p>What does he know? How much does he know? How long has he known? Does Dean finally know the extent of Castiel’s feelings for him?</p><p>Cas feels uncertain, worried. Filled with questions he doesn't know he can get the answers to. </p><p>If Dean had heard him that night surely he would have said something. Or was Cas misjudging the extent of their relationship and Dean didn’t know how to approach the conversation? Asking Dean would be the most straightforward, logical thing to do. But this is Cas and Dean. And over the course of their long and profound friendship many questions have been left unasked. Cas has never questioned the lingering touches or the soft smiles Dean throws his way when he’s ‘not looking’. Dean has never mentioned the almost too long hugs or the noticeable softening of Castiel’s face when he looks at Dean. The nightmare, or lack of, and the soothing words muttered would just be another to add to the list of untouchable conversations.</p><p>*</p><p>Dean comes back with a bag of supplies, he sits down with a coffee, hands another to Cas and informs him that the body has been taken care of, Cas nods along silently. </p><p>Castiel wants to ask Dean. But he knows Dean. He has watched before when the hunter has been put in an uncomfortable position or asked a difficult question. He has watched how he shuts off, changes, how the relationship between him and that other person shifts to something less than it was before. He does not want that for them. He doesn't want to live a life where Dean is always a step back from him. But can he live a life where Dean is only ever one question away from taking a step closer to him? Can Cas live with that unknown?</p><p>Dean takes a long drink and Cas steadies his breathing. </p><p>1. 2. 3. 4. Hold. 1. 2. 3. 4.</p><p>Cas looks at Dean. He looks at the human who taught him how to be good and strong and loving, the human who taught him to use his whole heart. The human that is the brightest, most beautiful soul Castiel has ever known. He smiles realising that he can’t live a life with Dean and never know if it could ever be more. He realises that he will never stop longing for more. Cas once again attempts to steady his breathing.</p><p>“The night at the bunker, those first few weeks, months ago now, when I - when I said I had lost everything. When you walked out. I couldn't sleep after that. I didn't fully understand. I didn’t realise the impact of my words, what that would mean to you - to you and Sam. After you left, Sam reminded me that I had not lost anything of any importance. And he was right, his words were a reminder that I shouldn’t have needed. Because it's true, I haven't lost anything that I couldn't live without.” </p><p>Dean looks at him, “Buddy I know, you don't hav-” </p><p>“Yes I do, Dean.” </p><p>Dean’s looking at his best friend in the entire world as if he is seeing him for the first time. Cas looks uncertain and brave. He looks as if what he is saying is the most important thing in the world. But it isn’t anything Dean doesn’t already know. Dean knew Cas was in a bad place when he said that, he knew that they were the only words Cas could find to describe an indescribable thing he was going through. He knew Cas well enough to know what he truly valued as important, and that it was the relationships he had found on earth. </p><p>He doesn't need to tell Dean any of this. </p><p>Cas is still looking at him, making sure to catch Dean’s green eyes in his blue ones. Promising without a word that what he has to say needs to be said.  The look Dean gives back promises he's listening. </p><p>“I went to go back to my room that night. I intended to make sure we were okay over breakfast but I walked straight past it. And I stood outside of yours. I didn't know if to knock or call out or walk away. I wanted to apologise and tell you I was wrong. To tell you that I knew I had so much left. But i couldnt. I was stuck and when I got unstuck I went to turn away and then I heard - ” </p><p>Cas looks down, feeling shy, faltering before looking straight back up to Dean, who’s eyes were filled with emotions Cas can’t quite fathom, “I heard you yell, it was more like a pleading and, when I listened closer, I could hear how restless you were. And suddenly I couldn't leave. I know nightmares come with the job and that you are always fine when you wake up but Dean, I just couldn't walk away.” </p><p>Cas pauses to take a drink of his coffee, his mouth feeling beyond dry. Castiel is exceptionally old and in his time he has ripped apart worlds, he has faced unspeakable evils and stood toe to toe with death and yet none of those has ever made Cas feel as anxious, as nervous as this. He realises it is not lack of courage making him feel so anxious it is the extent of importance. This conversation with Dean has more importance than anything Castiel has ever done.  </p><p>Even though Cas remains silent after his drink, Dean doesn’t interrupt. There is so much running through his head right now but he senses Castiel has more to say. So Dean patiently waits for Castiel to rebuild his confidence and continue.</p><p>“Before, when I, when you were having a nightmare and I was on the hunt with you or at the bunker with you - I would stop them. I would feel the pain radiating off of you and I would be able to soothe it. It was as easy as breathing. It was a reaction that came so naturally to me Dean. And right in that moment, for the first time I really felt as though I couldn't help you. I felt so useless, so angry at myself. But then I remembered something Sam had said to me. That I uh, I hadn't lost what makes me, me. I wanted to help you and even though I couldn't do what I once had, it didn't mean I couldn't help you at all, or at least try.” </p><p>He laughs nervously, half expecting Dean to finally say something but the man remains silent. Partly because he had silently told Cas he would listen until all was said and done but also because he doesn’t know if he could physically say anything. He knew Cas protected him, looked out for him, but he never once expected the kindness Cas spared him to run this deep.</p><p>Castiel can see that there are a million thoughts and feelings etched on Dean’s face. And he can’t read a line of it. </p><p>He breathes in deeply again, “You’re a light sleeper, until it's a nightmare. You seem to drown in them. I hate it, I hate seeing you like that. That night I listened to the panic in your breathing, the fear in your whispers, the stress in your body as you twisted. I knelt on the floor next to the bed and I- I um held one of your hands and I tried to talk you through it.” “How?” Dean asks, barely making a sound. He is no longer looking at Castiel’s face, his eyes now trained to the floor. </p><p>Cas’s breath hitches in his throat at the unexpected question. He cocks his head, unsure if Dean meant how he held his hand or how he spoke. Worried the moment might break, worried Dean might not answer or might change the subject if Cas asked, he takes one of Dean’s hands into his, wrapping his ten fingers around the hunters tired and worked hand. Dean doesn't stop him, doesn't pull away.</p><p>“I- uh, I held your hand and I promised you that you were safe, that you weren't alone, that you would wake up. I told you I was sorry, that I hadn’t meant what I said. That I had misevaluated what I had. I spoke until your shallow breathing steadied and then I uh- I over stepped and I” he lifts one of his hands away from where they were clasped and he gently brushes the side of Dean's face, to show Dean what he means. Dean closes his eyes, breathing deeply. Every thought that had been racing through his mind stilled, all focus now on Castiel's hand and Dean’s face. “I did that and-and I watched as the heavy emotions left your features. And then I pulled back because I knew it was wrong of me to do that. But, that was the last time I have done that. Not talking you through nightmares I've done that since but- that was the first time as a human I helped you.” </p><p>He drops Dean's hand. Suddenly overcome with everything he had just confessed. Overcome with being so open about everything he feels.</p><p>“Sorry”, his whisper barely audible. </p><p>Cas picks at his coffee cup, desperate to stop thinking. They sat in silence for a moment. The room heavy. </p><p>“The first time?” Dean asks. </p><p>Cas takes a moment, thinking what to say next. This was not the line of questioning he had anticipated. He had expected Dean to tell him he was wrong, he had expected Dean to walk away.</p><p>“Since then I have done it a few times. Sometimes I would walk past your room and hear you or if we were sharing a room on a hunt. I have researched breathing techniques, ways to help you, and figured out what you respond to most.” he stops, feeling himself over explaining minor, unimportant details. </p><p>He hesitates before adding ”You know I have done it since then though.” </p><p>Cas can feel his nerves rising and he does his best to not let them take over and stop him from speaking, “You said something to me last night that I said when I thought you were sleeping.'' </p><p>Dean looks nervous, he shifts away from Cas, looking as if he's been caught out. Cas almost regrets saying that but it is said now so he pushes on.</p><p>“How long have you known?” Cas asks, keeping his voice steady. </p><p>“The cameras” Dean softly replies. </p><p>Cas breathes out, </p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>The realisation hits him. It's so obvious. </p><p>Where the cameras were sat in that motel room it would have been unmissable. And the way Dean had been quiet with him that day, had driven for so long for crappy pizza. The pieces were all fitting together. </p><p>“I'm sorry” Castiel starts, “I shouldn't have done it, not once, not ever. I Should have spoken to you. I stepped into something personal and I didn't ask and  I shouldn-” </p><p>Dean looks up at Castiel, interrupting the spiral of speech pouring out of Cas.</p><p>“You think I'm mad at you?” </p><p>Cas studies Dean's features, looking for answers. “Yes? You saw what I did and you felt as though you couldn't talk to me about it, it is something that clearly made you uncomfortable and I should never have done it. I am so sorry Dean.” </p><p>Dean laughs, quietly, almost with sadness. </p><p>“Cas, I was a little uncomfortable yeah, but not because of what you think. I didn't think someone would care that much about me. I didn't think you cared for me that much. I never thought that you would see me in a nightmare and willingly ride it out with me. I didn't know that was how you felt” he smiles as Cas cocks his head. </p><p>“Dean, of course I care about you?” It's almost phrased as a question,  “The moment I met you I cared about you. Because of you I learnt to care. How could you think I would ever do any different than help you? You have always treated me with kindness and I am grateful for every opportunity I get to return the favour. You are so important to me.” Cas can feel himself rambling and he laughs softly with uncertainty. </p><p>“It should never have been a secret though and for that I am sorry.”</p><p>For the second time on this trip Dean’s body moves with no aforethought. </p><p>Before either of them have an opportunity to say another word Dean is kissing Cas. And after a brief second of being overcome with shock, Cas is kissing Dean. </p><p>They sit on the edge of the bed, Dean’s hands softly holding Cas’s face. Castiel’s hands gripping the fabric of Dean’s sleeves to keep himself grounded. This is everything the both of them had left unsaid, everything they had always wanted.</p><p>Dean pulls away first, looking into the fallen angel's eyes. </p><p>Dean feels almost shy, “I'm sorry, I wanted to do that forever, I should have asked, I’m-” but he's cut off with Cas leaning in for another kiss. </p><p>This one softer, less intense. </p><p>Cas moves one of his hands from Dean's arm and gently pulls one of Dean's hands away from his face, placing it over his heart. </p><p>He pulls away, “The second I met you Dean Winchester, the moment I pulled you out of hell, heaven knew they lost me. But by your side I have never been lost, I have never felt lost. I have always felt as though I am finally found.”</p><p>“Cas, if I’d have known, if I ever thought that you felt this for me too. I should have read between the lines and known. I should have known, how did I not know?” They kiss again.</p><p>*</p><p>They have been each other’s since the first moment their existences collided. After years of growing and changing and learning here they finally are seeing it in its entirety.</p><p>Cas tells how Dean taught him kindness and compassion. He explains that he had never experienced any of those things until him. He tells Dean that he is his first thought, first worry, first day dream of every day. </p><p>Dean smiles telling Cas that he taught him acceptance and unconditional love like he has never known. He confesses of how many moments he has wanted to reach out and hold Castiel's hand or lean in to him or kiss him. </p><p>They leave the motel room hours later, knowing that the multiple texts from Sam mean that they were expected hours ago. They get in the car, smiling, content. Cas waits for the music to start but it never does. </p><p>Instead, as Dean pulls out of the car park he reaches over and takes Castiel’s hand in his. A motion that he has wanted to do a million times. Something he now gets to do a million more. </p><p>Of all of Castiel's days this one is his favourite because it is the first day he gets to hold Dean Winchester's hand.</p><p>Dean, although loving every moment of the day, would say the best are yet to come. Because days in the future will start and end with Cas by his side. They will be filled with requited, loud love. They will be all he has yearned for.</p><p>*</p><p>The path of being human has been tricky and dark and hard for both Dean and Castiel. They have fought and bled and died and yet here they sit, together. Hand in hand. Golden and bright, glowing with love. As if the world could come tumbling down and it wouldn't matter; because all they will ever need is each other and nothing could ever tear them apart.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am terrible at endings but im taking comfort in the idea that this is just the beginning of this Cas and Deans relationship. hope you enjoyed :)</p>
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